a good while ago now,
writing was taken away from me.
i mean it, it was up & taken
away from me.
inside of me.
tiny – but
i tried to power through for awhile
there with writing – but it all sucked.
it really just was awful & forced
& cheesy. i’m not trying to
be vainfully self-depricating,
it just really sucked, & probably
mostly because i no longer
enjoyed it or felt alive.
even the joyment of writing
was taken away from me.
the dearest of friends
from both old & new
knew this to be the case
but what i love about these
friendships is how they pushed me
to challenge why it is the case.
they didn’t even focus on writing itself
but on the backbone of it all.
on the life & heartbeat of it
that was beginning to be exposed
& processed in order to grow.
i swear, these past two years have been
the most ugliest & most beautiful
i have ever known my inner-self to be
all at the same time.
all filled with various threaded journeys
& the stripping of layers upon layers
of my inner heart condition.
you see, there have been all these idols
driving my thoughts & actions for years.
founded in the inner needs for approval of others
& not always believing that god is big enough
to be god above all & to everyone.
leading me to establish unhealthy
perspectives & habits.
during this time
when the writing was
up & taken away from me,
much was unveiled to me.
i began to see this had all been at play
in my work & passions since my first experience
with community development work in romania
when i was barely nineteen.
& it was at full play in my viewpoint of some
unhealthy & hurtful relationships throughout
my twenties. & also in how i tried to love
my family & community,
in seemingly right ways for the short term
but failing at large in the long term.
and mostly, in my fears & anxieties that limited me
to not fully de-wall my vulnerabilities within community
to cease seeking control &
to live fully alive & in faith
that god is indeed
above & within
i wouldn’t trade these past few years for anything.
this tiny hole gave space
for restlessness that led to stillness
that exposed such brokenness.
that led to actions. to remove some things & to add other
things. i became able to live fully & newly alive
without filling that hole with what it once knew,
& then that hole slowly became filled
with so much more goodness to overflow
in all of life’s vibrant colors.
i see that writing – while it makes me feel fully alive
in god’s calling & wirings of my soul – can just
as easily, and dangerously, be a crutch.
i have been learning &
am continuing to still learn
that my true identity was not defined
by any of these things. by these idols
& motives that i sought for years
without ever realizing how distracting
& numbing it all could be.
& it sure as heck would not
be defined by writing my voice.
what i hope to remember from this
is that all that time,
i had thought
i was living so well!
& i do still love the experiences
& adventures i have had that have
taught me so much.
i am so
but oh! how i was barely
beneath the surface level,
and it pales to compare
to all the living i have
only begun to tap my heart & life into.
& as the joyment of writing
is now being given back to me,
i wouldn’t want
it any other way.
i’m excited to begin sharing
all the freedom that i have been learning
in good time.
i was recently at a retreat
for my gotham fellowship course,
& i was sitting
with a group of amazing women.
we were sitting there together,
sharing our journeys that naturally
included some deeply exposed broken worldviews,
& we were overcome with such joy
& jovial laughter after sharing
& i adore
this particular moment
when we exclaimed in freedom:
you think we would have gotten it by now! life is simple, god is god.
all else that we worry & try to control & predict – it’s silly.
one of the women then so divinely quoted CS Lewis from memory,
we are half-hearted creatures, fooling around with ambition when infinite joy is offered us. we are like ignorant children wanting to make mud-pies in a slum because we cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea.
it’s a beautiful process, i think, to see
from the perspective of my time now spent
seeking to build sand castles by the sea.
& as i look back at all the mud pies,
i can see how i was far too easily pleased.
at 28 years old, i’m just beginning
to learn these things. & those closest
to my everyday can attest that
it’s quite the long learning curve.
but i hope to record this here now,
to remind myself with each new year:
life does really get better with age,
because with each year, we’ve learned & experienced more.
through the annual journeys of pain & joy, our hearts
have the grand opportunity to form into a shape that is more
& more like our creator designed us to become.